Year 37
1/22/22 the beginning of my 37th year I made some pretty big decisions. I took a vow of celibacy. My entire 37th year, I will spend focusing on learning to create vulnerability, intimacy and love without sex. For years, 26 to be exact, I’ve have only been intimate through sex. I was traumatized at 11, I shut my feelings down and went into protect mode then. I’ve never allowed vulnerability to be a part of me, until now. In the past, you wouldn’t catch me dropping my guard to anyone. I now know, vulnerability is the key to authentic relationships. If I can’t be vulnerable in front of them, I can’t build trust in that relationship. If I don’t allow my true self to walk forward, the person I am co-creating this life with, will not match me. I will not get their true self, either. I know my love, trust, and understanding grows when I am vulnerable and human. When I show my flaws…. the real ugly flaws….it shows the other person, it’s okay to admit to your downfalls. It shows you’ve accepted yourself for who you are. So, I am taking this year to build relationships through vulnerability and communication instead of sex. I am enriching my current relationships and using this time to focus on coping healthily.
I was abused by an older man starting at 11 years old. I didn’t get out of that abuse until I was 15. I was married off to a man 15 years older than me when I was 17. Started living with him at 16, my mother made me keep it a secret until I turned 17. When I told everyone, I was already engaged to be married to said pedofile. He had just gotten out of prison for child sexual assault, and my mother did NOT waste one second signing that marriage certificate to hurry up and get rid of me. Ps. She was sleeping with my boyfriend turned husband, too. Imagine that. I developed the fear of being alone. No one wanted me. Not even my mother on multiple occasions. I did all the things to be needed. If you have kids, let me take care of them. Let me show you what you gained by accepting me. This replayed over and over for many many years.
I showed that man love by giving him what he wanted. Sex and someone to care for his kids. I defined love as selflessness, doing for others, letting others win, sacrifice. I was taught, if you really love them you will stay. No matter what. You forgive and forget. Don’t hold grudges. Family is family, you are required to forgive. I was not only emotionally abused by this man, but I can see he was a covert narcissist himself. He ran from host to host, using them up and ditching them as fast as he picked them up. He was physically abusive to himself in front of his children. Instilling the co-dependent need to SAVE him, into them at a very young age.
Why do you think children grow up thinking they should fight their parent’s battles? Because they were taught at a young age to save their parents. This is generational trauma passing down to it’s next host because the adult never took the time needed to process his/her own damn demons.
Yall, healing is hard. REALLY HARD. So hard, in fact, only a very small population of the world is able to come forward and discuss it. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. Healing isn’t bubble baths and champagne. It sitting down and really acknowledging things that bother you. Asking yourself, WHY? Why am I not where I want to be? What’s stopping me? Who’s stopping me? Why do I feel it will stop me? (Our expectations are not reality) What do I feel the outcome will be if I do it anyway? Is it worth this outcome? AM I WORTH THE OUTCOME? Why have felt this way in the past? When did I feel it the first time? What stopped me from dealing with it then? WHAT am I feeling?
That’s healing. It’s rare to find other healed individuals, that’s why you hear me tell you it’s lonely over hear on this level. But, in a peaceful and calming way. Like being in a room full of bitching, moaning, complaining, and suffering to walking upstairs into a replica of the same room but with no one in it but a REAL friend or two. No fighting, moaning, bickering, or drama. Still the same room, just way better. You still see those others down there on that lower floor, you just don’t have to hear all the mind wasting blame, shame and suffering. You choose peace. You use the extra time to be a better you. Don’t worry how they fall away, just know it’s not a reflection of you.
I left that relationship and got with my current husband within a month or so. I felt the most distraught during that time. I can remember thinking there is no way I can take care of and provide for my child alone. I have no education, no job history, no college degree and no skill set. I’ve been home for the entire 7 year marriage because I wasn’t allowed to work. I went back to school when I was 20 and graduated at 21. It was this little alternative school called Huntington Pride High School. I went in a sophomore/junior and at 20, Coach told me I needed to be finished before my 21st Birthday or he would NOT let me graduate. This was my only chance to get my diploma or I would have to get my GED. I did not want that. So, I finished in record time but, not without a fight. I wore blood to school. I put my son in daycare because I didn’t trust his father to watch him. I went with tears running down my face. I called and asked for rides when he’d keep the keys. I begged, pleaded and borrowed.
I graduated, though.
I got with James broken. B R O K E N
I was bartending, he’s an alcoholic.
FUCK- perfect match.
Although.
I had set ONE boundary with myself and it was ………………………………………………………NO MORE OLDER MEN WITH KIDS FOR ME TO RAISE.
How about 20 years older?
PART 2
In a couple of days. As, promised 2 Blogs this week to make up for last weeks slip up!