THIS IS TRAUMA:

Buying a bright-shiny new toy after saving for a long time. The saving part was enough payment in itself. I told myself at least once a day I was going to spend all the money I had saved and go buy the kids something. I was going to pay off that loan. I was going to buy a cow. I found a million things I should spend it on beside me.

I'm doing it. Off I go, with the threat of it being snatched away before I get to it. Like it, it will be sold out.

Thoughts like, "You’ll get robbed before you get there losing all your money." "Your debit card will be rejected." "You’ll have a flat on the way." But somehow, you made it there. You got it. And you’re so dang excited but not too excited because that may cause something bad to happen somewhere else. Like a wreck or something if I’m too boastful or happy. So I check out, keeping my excitement to a minimum. As I push it to the car, I immediately feel guilt creeping in... I just spent a lot of money on myself. On something I wanted. What kinda mother does that? Your kid may need that. What if something happens next month and you need that money for him, but it’s not there because you spent the entire savings on YOURSELF? Guilt.

Push it aside.

You set a goal.

You earned it.

Go enjoy it.

You get home. Giddy with excitement.

You set it up.

You admire it in all its glory with the steaming doubt of if you even deserve this.

Do I deserve this?

Is this selfish?

This feels good. I bet it is selfish.

As I spend more time messing with, tinkering with, dressing up, spending alone time with....... the more time I’m away from others.

I start to hear the comments.

What are you doing with that?

You’re always over there, doing that.

This spikes guilt again.

Oh, am I spending too much time on ME?

Is that selfish?

Am I being selfish because I am taking my attention and focus off of my family, work, children, and outside world for a few moments a day?

I mean, it does mean the husband has to pick up the kids every day.

It does mean, I send my kids to daycare even on days I’m not working.

It does mean I don’t get the laundry finished, Umm at least they're clean.

Then, the house starts to pile up. The bickering starts. The guilt gets heavier. You notice you’re not spending as much time on ‘that’ anymore and you miss it.

You know it was what you needed, but you also knew it was going to take a lot more work. You knew you’d have to keep this up every day for the rest of your life. You knew this when you saved for it, worked for it. And got it.

But now, when you see the other people around you suffering because you “are too busy messing with that” to keep up the house or do the things a wife and mother are supposed to do... so you back off.

Slowly at first.

You go 4 days a week for a while.

Then it’s down to 1.

Then you haven’t even stepped foot near it in 2 months but you stare at it every day. Slowly watching it rot, and rust. All while telling yourself, see I told you YOU didn’t deserve this. I told you, you’d never be able to keep it up. I told you, you’d give up on this the same way you gave up on every other thing that brought pleasure. You don’t deserve happiness. When you have happiness, something bad happens somewhere else in the world.

Like if I’m too happy, I’ll be struck by lightning for being too boastful. Most are taught:

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

Not me, I was taught don’t even count after they hatch, because if you do they will ALL die.

Don’t jinx yourself.

Even though gratitude is the creator of more reasons to be grateful, trauma makes you feel like gratefulness is boastful and bragging.

You’ve somehow adopted the false belief that you are not worthy of getting, having, or taking care of something that brings JOY to YOU.

So, you self-deprecate yourself daily with the thoughts from above...(I am making my kid go to daycare on my off days=shitty mom doesn’t even wanna be around her kids all to do this one thing.)

Then you find ways to validate that false belief.

You look for ways to validate this belief. The laundry is on the couch still waiting to be folded. Even though you asked your kids to fold them the night before. It didn’t get done, you didn’t enforce it, because you were “too busy doing your thing to be a momma.” So, you look at that pile and you find guilt staring back at you. That night you make a vow to be present in your child's life because you’ll NEVER drop that responsibility. Not the MOM one. You may suck at all the other stuff but not the mom one.

TRAUMA TRIGGER

This triggers a false belief:

Mothers that do not care about their children, do not take time to discipline them.

WHY?

My mother never set boundaries or had rules. At 11 she treated me like an adult. I made decisions as an adult would. This was her way of boasting, "she had very responsible kids at 11-12 years old." It was also her way of not having to "Take responsibility for her actions, and the actions she allowed other people to do."

So, here I am triggered into my trauma again. The cycle continues.

Because your UNCOMFORT is easier to deal with, than witnessing theirs.

So, you lay in the trunk of your own car (LIFE) so others can take all the good comfortable seats.

I WANT EVERY reader to go and insert any aspect of your life into the story above. That shiny object is anything. It is everything you've ever wanted in life. It is your worth. Your ability to see yourself.

Above I talked about a shiny object that I bought. It can be a degree. Your weight. Your relationships. Your success and lack thereof. It can be financial insecurity. It can be anything. It can be everything. Trauma has a way of circling back around over and over until you get the point, learn the lesson, and heal the trauma or you continue to repeat the same mistakes until you die. There is no in-between.

Next time we will discuss who’s the DRIVER. The traumatized are so uniquely amazing and so resilient.