FALSE BELIEFS

As children, we form our belief system based on our experiences, what we are told by the ones we value, and the outcomes of our actions(repercussions). There are many variables to be considered in the process of the development of these beliefs. Every belief adopted usually goes through all of these transitions. No one person is the same. Today we will discuss my false beliefs, how and why I developed them, and the actions I’ve taken to reverse/remove them.

Our Experiences and how they affect our judgment and belief system.

When I was 4-5 my mother gave me and my sister up to my grandmother. That day, I adopted a false belief. “If you don’t have custody of your child you’re a bad mother.”—My Experience

I heard everyone in my family talking about it.—What we’re told by family.

My mother was a BAD mother to me and my sister. So, the outcome reiterated and validated my false belief.—Outcome of the action.

Every false belief I’ve adopted developed through the above transition.

Generational false beliefs are passed down.

Many people attach to these negative false beliefs because they simply are unaware they even exist.

As a victim of child sexual abuse, the victim (thy self) forms specialized beliefs about the self as a coping mechanism. So, when I listened to the audiobook by Jen, I was in disbelief.

I even felt like it was a sacrilege.

At this VERY moment, I began to second guess every belief I held dear.

WARNING

TRIGGER WARNING

At eleven years old, my mother came back into my life after practically abandoning me and my sister. We went as far as 3 years of no contact with her during the 6 years my grandmother and grandfather raised us. Well, that’s excluding that one D.A.R.E. Ceremony I ran into her while she was there visiting another student. Her new nephew. Turns out I was at the same ceremony. She never even expected to see me there. SURPRISE.

Then she was interested.

A GAME.

She pops back into our lives like that Achy-Breaky Heart dude’s daughter’s song. ANYwho. Here comes TAMMY with a-fucking-vengeance. At this time I was a very naive 11-year-old girl. It is around August. My sister at this time had already moved out and into Our Dad’s home. I felt abandoned. I was alone. My Meme tells me my mother had been in contact and wanted to see me. So, here she is. In ALL her glory. She jumps over to my sister too. Stirs her up. Gets her on board to move too. I’m 11. My sister is the ONLY thing I’ve had my entire life. I have to be where she is. We get together and make a pact to go live with TAMMY. Jessica had maybe even moved before me.

This is where it gets a little murky.

Sickening.

Even hard to believe.

I’m eleven.

I move into Tammy’s as school was starting. I went into the sixth grade. By December a 21-year-old man had snuck his way into my day bed and had full-blown sex with me. He was my sister’s “boyfriend”. She was only 14 herself. I didn’t scream. I didn’t cry. I didn’t know what to do. I was 11. I was scared.

I told my mother immediately.

She told me these were the repercussions of your actions, REBECCA. You are responsible for your actions.

She also told me to shut my mouth and she would take me to PLANNED PARENTHOOD when I turned 12. That’s the age they see children without parents being involved……huh? She also told me she wouldn’t send an INNOCENT man to PRISON, to keep his name clean….”Makeup a name.”

So, I did.

I got on the PILL.

No pregnancies.

No problem.

PS. “Do not tell your sister, you know that is her boyfriend.”—-TAMMY

With no punishment insight, the victimizer continues to victimize. The raping continues.

I formed a false belief the day I moved out of my grandparent's house.

"I don't make GOOD decisions."

I made the BAD decision to MOVE.

My mother reiterated my BAD decision-making skills by telling me I was responsible for the actions. Bad things CONTINUED to occur after I moved.

This is how false beliefs are MADE.

Every time a decision ended badly, it verified the belief I had in myself.

We do this continuously. Like an autopilot. Traumatized children.

Traumatized children only become traumatized adults. Remember that.

We form many beliefs this way.

We continue to believe them until we know better.

When we know better, we can choose to change or stay the same.

FALSE BELIEFS are the NEGATIVE inner voice telling you all the scary things out there. It's the voice that pops up when you look at yourself in the mirror. It's the voice that holds you back from that difficult conversation you need to be having. I found myself questioning everything.

My upbringing.

My relationship with my husband.

My relationship with my kids.

My relationship with GOD.

The relationships I felt obligated to keep.

The secrets I held.

I realized the lies I had been fed.

I HAD BELIEVED LIES FOR YEARS.

I WAS GROWN.

I was too proud to be vulnerable, though.

I was a 35-year-old fucking woman walking around drinking poison every day hoping it would kill the ones that hurt me. Instead, I was just killing myself. It’s a vicious cycle. You’ll get to feeling better. May even have the slight sight of success just to lose it all to self-sabotage and before you know it, you’re back to square one.

I now realized I am not responsible for the shit that happened to me but I am responsible for picking up the pieces of me and cautiously putting them back together with the glue of self-love.

That’s for next week.